This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
