Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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