I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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