Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
