Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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