god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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