That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
