I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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