So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize