i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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