shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
