I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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