Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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