walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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