Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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