Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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