He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's never too late to be topless.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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