I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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