Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
