I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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