Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
