Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
