I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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