What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
