If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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