Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
