Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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