but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
