You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
