i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
