I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
