he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
