who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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