Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize