i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
