Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
