just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
