I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
