im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Randomize
