You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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