I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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