1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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