you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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