I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
