i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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