My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
