Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
