My first STD was from a foam party
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
