She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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