I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize