I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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