when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
