If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
