ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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