I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
