I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
