There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
