You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
okay pat passed out under dana's car
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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