I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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