the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
