dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
